Stay
by bonesmad
Summary: He'd give anything to know what to say to her in that moment. How to change her mind. But everyone knows how stubborn she can get.
1. Chapter 1

He stood at the window looking out. He heard the bedroom door open but didn't turn around.

"I'm leaving now" a voice said from behind him.

"I'll have the rest of your things sent on." He said solemnly.

Suddenly there was a hand on the back of his head and a pair of lips softly touched his cheek. He spun around and grabbed her wrist.

"Don't…" his eyes flashed and it scared her slightly "Don't go!" she pulled her arm away.

"I have to."

"I love _you"_ he stressed. She bit the inside of her lip. "I love you Kathryn." He repeated.

"It doesn't matter now" she took a step back.

"How can you say that?"

"Chakotay please just let me go. My mother is expecting me."

"How can you leave? How can you just walk out?"

"I don't have a choice." She felt tears prick the corner of her eyes.

"Why not?" he strode towards her.

"She's pregnant!" she finally snapped. "Pregnant. You and I both know that you will want to do what is right and if I stay you'll have to make a choice."

"I want you!" he took her hands in his again.

"You're too noble to leave this child grow up without a father, without you."

"I don't have to be with Seven to be there for my child."

"Chakotay…" she started.

"No Kate!" he pulled her in closer to him. "You have been looking for a way out of this since it started. You're terrified and you're using this as an excuse to run."

"Run!? Run from what?" she whispered now, her face inches from his.

"Me. From me and everything there is between us. You can't tell me you've felt this way before because I sure as hell didn't even know it was possible to love someone this much." She'd stopped pulling away now. "To need someone this much"

She didn't say a thing. She couldn't. then a thought crept up and entered her brain.

"Then why is Seven pregnant?" he gasped and dropped her hands. She hadn't realised the thought had escaped. He stepped away. "I'm sorry I didn't mean that." She closed her eyes.

"You obviously did." He shook his head. "I thought we'd gone over this. I needed to try let you go!" she smirked at the familiar line. "We had seventy years ahead of us and I needed to stop loving you." He sighed. "But I couldn't."

"You stayed with her when we came back." She shrugged finally letting everything out.

"For a week! You never gave me the slightest hope. We got so close on New Earth and then nothing. You shut me out, closed off your heart. Seven was there. I fooled myself into thinking I could love her."

The silence that fell between them was deafening. She'd never experienced anything like it.

"You're having a child. That is the most amazing news." She said after a lifetime passed. "You need to focus on that. I'll be in touch." She reached out to touch him but decided against it. "Take Care."

This time he watched her pick up her bag and leave.

]] ]] ]] ]] ]] ]] ]] ]] [[ [[ [[ [[ [[ [[ [[ [[ [[

_It seems only right my 80__th__ story should be about my first true ship_

_3_

_grace_


	2. Chapter 2

Kathryn rocked the child back and forth then lifted her up to rest on her shoulder rubbing her back gently.

"There's a good girl." She murmured as the baby drifted off to sleep. She laid her down in her carrier gently and secured her without disturbing her. She was getting very good at this if she said so herself. She smiled at the child once more and turned to her living quarters. "Right we better tidy up before your mother gets here. She said to the air." For such a small child she came with quite a lot of baggage. She had finally packed the last bag when the door beeped.

"Come in." she said as quietly as she could. She turned and smiled. "Hello B'Elanna."

"So you survived two whole nights!" she smiled and surveyed the room.

"Just about." She nodded.

"Well thank you very much Admiral. Tom and I really appreciate it."

"How was the getaway."

"It was amazing. No crying, no shuttles, no Harry. It was like a dream" she smiled.

"Poor Kim."

"No, no I love Harry I do! But sometimes I think Tom married him and not me?" She knelt down beside the carrier and ran a finger down her daughters head. "Hello Angel. Had you a nice time with Aunty Kathryn?"

"Well she's hardly going to say otherwise when I'm still in the room is she?" her friend laughed.

"I better get her home. Her grandparents are calling this evening." She rolled her eyes.

"Oh lovely. Well you enjoy that." She handed her the last bag. They moved towards the door when B'Elanna turned back to her.

"I was talking to Chakotay earlier." She said cautiously.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. He… he's not great Kathryn. He's working himself to death."

"I had heard he was putting in extra hours."

"And Seven is due to go into the doctor any day now."

"Right." She tapped in codes and opened the door. "Don't do it again B'Elanna. Please."

"I just think…"

"It's been five months. Let it go!"

"It will take a lot more than that for me to let it go." She smiled and left.

Kathryn sat down on her couch cup of coffee in hand. She sighed thinking over what her friend had said. None of their friends had understood when she'd moved out. For four months everything had seemed right, they went to all the events together, no one found it odd when they held hands or kissed in front of their old crew. It had been perfect. Now she had work. Work, work and more work. She hadn't seen him in about a month now. And even before then it was just brief encounters at Star Fleet. He'd left her countless messages in the weeks after she left. She had never called back.

]] ]] ]] ]] ]] ]] ]] ]] ]] ] [ [[ [[ [[ [[ [[ [[ [[ [[ [[

"Everything looks good here. He should be along shortly."

"Thank you Doctor." Seven nodded.

"Any sign of borg complications?" Chakotay asked from across the room.

"No, nothing is coming up. And we seem to be past where anything could happen." He looked over his padd.

"Good, good." He nodded as the doctor walked out.

"Are you going to stay over there the whole time?" Seven asked. He looked over at her sadly, she'd become truly human the past few months, he even thought she looked unrecognisable with her hair down.

"Well I'll just be in the doctors way otherwise I think" he said solemnly.

"Right." She sighed and lay back down on the table.

"I'm sorry Seven." He repented after a few seconds. "I don't want to upset you."

"well I must say I do wish you were a little more excited."

"I am beyond excited. Truly I am." He walked across the room and took her hand. "I just haven't been myself lately."

"To be exact you have not been yourself since Admiral Janeway moved out of your shared accommodation."

"Yes thank you Seven." He shook his head, she had such a knack for nailing things on the head.

"I don't understand why you haven't talked her around. You have excellent diplomatic skills."

"You should know it takes a bit more than that with Kathryn." She frowned and looked down

"It is getting rather painful now."

"Will I get the doctor?"

"It may be best."

]] ]] ]] ]] ]] ]] ]] ]] ]] [ [[ [[ [[ [[ [[ [[ [[ [[ [[ [[

She took a sip of her coffee and opened up her messages. As usual most of them were from Star Fleet. She responded to them quickly. As expected there was her weekly one from Tuvock, prompt as always. And then one she hadn't been expecting. A mass email from Seven.

_We cordially invite you to a lunch to introduce_

_Kolo_

_To our friends and family._

_Chakotay & Seven_

She added the stardate and time to her calendar and looked at the invite again. So they had a son. She couldn't help but smile. Chakotay would love that. A son to teach all that his father thought him. Her phone chirped

"Answer."

"You're going." Was the curt greeting that rang through the room.

"Hello B'Elanna."

"You're going to that lunch with us. I refuse to take no for an answer."

"B'El…."

"No I'm serious! I am asking you a personal favour. You need to be at this. So you're going with me. We don't have to stay long, but we're all going."

"I was going to say alright. I'll go."

"You… what?"

"Seven is like family to me. I will gladly go."

"Tom has convinced himself Kolo and Miral are destined to be together." She said feigning drama.

"Oh how exciting."

"I'm glad you're going."


	3. Chapter 3

She straightened herself again. half out of habit and half out of nervousness. She could hear the light piano music, she could smell the luncheon food, she could swear she could even hear his voice. What she couldn't do was muster up the courage to go in. everything had been going well all morning. She slept well the night before and woken up feeling perfectly rested. B'Elanna had offered to pick her up but she'd declined, deciding to call to the office before going there. Everything had been calm and collected until she got there. Until she'd heard the message.

]] ]] ]] ]] ]] ]] [[ [[ [[ [[ [[ [[ [[

"Could you get him while I finish my hair?" she asked handing him a bottle.

"Of course." He nodded and headed down the hall. He'd insisted that she move in the month before Kolo was born. It had made everything easier in the long run they were both around the help out, and no one missed out on anything.

At barely a month old, Chakotay was sure, his son was the most perfect thing on the planet. Skin and hair identical to his own, with his mother showing through in his eyes. The small boy smiled up at him from his cot. He wished he could see the world as his son did. Simple and amazing.

"Let's get you ready to meet everyone." Seven had been so guarded about their son for the first few weeks that the only people to have met him yet was their immediate families. Now he couldn't wait to show him off to everyone else. B'Elanna had called a few times but had only ever gotten a sneak peak of him sleeping. There was one thing he had to say about the semi Borg mother. She was definitely protective.

Once Kolo was fed he changed him and settled him back in his cot for a while. Switching on the monitor he went back to his own room to get dressed. It was when he was facing himself in the mirror with his tie open that the madness struck. He had called her before he knew what he was doing. He didn't even have time to regret it.

]] ]] ]] ]] ]] ]] ]] ]] ]] ]] [[ [[ [[ [[ [[ [[ [[ [[

She swallowed the lump in her throat and hit the button. She wasn't expecting to hear anything new. She'd already played it too many times for that. She just needed to hear it again.

"Kate… Kathryn. It's been months but I have to try again. My world has changed unimaginably. I have different priorities. I have a while knew love that I didn't know I was capable of. But one thing has remained constant. I need you. I love you and I need to know if you still love me. Knowing you you'll be coming today. just…" her heart stopped again as she waited for his final few words. "…give me some hope. Or let me go." She closed her eyes and leaned on the sink. She'd send the present and card expected when the child was born. She'd even met Seven for a quick coffee on her first day back at work. Even if it was just to tell her she thought she was mad to get back to work two weeks after having a child. But she had had no contact with him. Nothing in close to six months. And now this.

]] ]] ]] ]] ]] ]] ]] ]] [[ [[ [[ [[ [[ [[

He grinned and patted Tom on the shoulder. He'd missed his friends. Baby tunnel vision had set in quickly and he'd seen no one. He felt a small hand on the small of his back and he turned quickly.

"She'll be here soon." He tried to smile at his friend, but he'd really gotten his hopes up.

"Who B'Elanna?"

"Ok." She shrugged and threw him a smile. He shouldn't have run her. He should have just given up. She'd had six months to come back to him. She clearly didn't feel the same. And he'd ruined any chance of having her back in his life now.


	4. Chapter 4

She managed to avoid him for most of the lunch, with so many people to speak to it was actually quite easy. Until she came face to face with Seven.

"Capt… Admiral." She said standing in front of her.

"So good to see you Seven." She smiled and hugged her. The other woman clearly taken aback.

"You to." She said after a moment.

"Well may I meet the newest member of the crew?" she looked down at the bundle wrapped up in her arms

"Of course. He was just asleep but I think Paris woke him up." She pulled back the blanket and Kathryn gasped. The baby was beautiful, well all children were beautiful, but Kolo was breath taking. The most stunning child she had ever seen. The perfect mixture of his parents she decided. Even if he was slightly more like his father.

"He's lovely." She whispered after taking him in.

"Would you care to hold him?"

"If I may." She said without thinking.

He froze mid laugh as spotted what was happening across the room. It was a sight he'd dreamed about for years, Kathryn Janeway holding his child. Smiling as she beamed down at his son. The sight momentarily made him forget the circumstances. She looked every inch the perfect mother he'd known she would be. He could remember so many times he'd imagined walking into her ready room only for her to turn around, child in arms looking like all was right with the world.

"I'll talk to you later." Tom smiled looking at what had caught his friend's attention. He just nodded and started walking across the room.

She grinned even wider as he wrapped his hand around her index finger.

"He's precious." She cooed

"I agree." He said quietly reaching her shoulder. She flinched inwardly closing her eyes for a brief second. His smell enveloping her immediately. She foolishly let herself breathe it in. After being months without something you came to rely on you start to crave it, then fantasize about it to the point where you start to wonder did you imagine it in the first place. Letting herself fall into that smell now was like giving into an addiction you'd just kicked. She couldn't make herself regret it.

She opened her mouth to reply but nothing came out. She didn't know what to say.

"I believe the Doctor is calling for me." Seven said abruptly taking off to the other side of the room.

"She has been studying body language and learning to pick up signals in a room."

"She's integrating nicely then." She managed to mutter running a finger down the child's soft cheek.

"Kathryn…" she took a deep breath and looked up at him. Eyes locking.

"He's beautiful Chakotay. Congratulations." She handed the child back. Tears filling her eyes. Once she knew the child was secure she turned and walked out of the room.

He stood child in arms watching her leave, contemplating following after her when his son started cribbing. He rocked the baby gently still staring at the door. How was it possible to feel so low and yet so happy at the same time?

"Bathroom?" she asked the first person she came across.

"Next door to the right" the waitress smiled.

"Thank you."

She waited for the door to open then froze. The noise coming from one of the cubicles stunned her. Crying. She walked across the room and taking a deep breath knocked on the door.

"Admiral." She said softly. "Let me in."

She like everyone else in the room had witness what had happened, watched as her two friend's finally looked at each other. Internally cringed as the atmosphere around them chilled.

"I am quite fine B'Elanna I'll be out in a second." She heard her sniff and could almost see her professional mask coming up.

"Kathryn please." She leaned against the door her heart sinking. It took a few seconds but she finally heard the keypad beep and the door opened. She was correct the "captain's face" was up and there was no sign of tears.

"I told you I am fine B'Elanna." She smiled the smallest smile her friend had ever seen.

"Kathryn it's ok not to be alright."

"Just a moment of weakness. I think I might head back to headquarters now." She went to step out of the cubicle but the Klingon engineer blocked her path.

"What did he say?"

"I have no intention of discussing this here. Now move aside crewman." She stood back. B'Elanna sighed and did as ordered.


	5. Chapter 5

She sat at her desk watching the world go by. Her office was large enough that she felt she could breathe in it comfortable without feeling extravagant. Right now that's what she needed. To breath.

Once again she was weighing everything up in her head. It had finally dawned on her how odd her behaviour must have seemed to her co-workers. How much she had let herself down, let herself slip.

If you had told her ten years ago how easy it would be to disgrace herself over a man. Over a marquis captain. She would have just laughed.

/ / / / / / / / / /

He sat on the bench by the window just staring out. There was a knock on the door, a knock that he knew he couldn't ignore. Well he could try but he would pay for it. A second knock came quickly, this one stronger and more determined. He stood and opened the door slowly waiting for the attack.

"We're going now." He stood there stunned looking at her. Not only was she not the visitor he had been expecting this evening but he had no idea what she was talking about.

"Sorry?" he said, mouth still slightly ajar, finally taking in the bag in her hand. "Seven what's going on."

"Kolo and I" we are leaving.

"What why…"

"I understood the need for us to cohabit your home just before an in the first few weeks of Kolo's life but now I feel it would be best for us to separate completely." She said simply and turned to walk down the hall. He followed her quickly.

"What do you mean? I thought we talked about this I want to be around for everything."

"I understand." She nodded. "But you will not change my mind."

"I don't kno…" she turned to face him as they reached the front door. He could see the boxes neatly piled waiting for collection and their son bundled into a carrier.

"Do you envisage a future where we will become romantically involved again." she said simply, eyes boring into his. He took a second

"No."

"Then I believe it to be in both of our best interests that we create some distance between ourselves. It does not seem conducive to new relationships to have your former sexual partner in your home."

"But I want to see my son every day." He stamped his foot. Seven nodded. He could have sworn he say the glimpse of a smile.

"I had factored in that fact into my decision." He waited. "We are moving into the apartment downstairs. You may see him as often as you wish. We may even split custody at night. This would enable both of us to pursue new romantic dalliances." His breath caught in his throat.

"I still don't know if this…" she stepped toward him and placed a hand softly on his chest.

"Admiral Janeway will take a long time to talk around. She is an amazing woman and only deserves someone fully committed to her. I am taking a roadblock out of your way."

He smiled softly and covered her hand with his own.

"You have come so far."

"I believe it is part of what they call, mothers intuition." This time a glorious smile graced her face.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

"But why!" she threw her hands up in exasperation.

"You should know by now that raising your voice rarely has an effect on my."

"I just cannot understand why you are still… holding back!" she searched for the words.

"B'Elanna I have already said. It is past history. I have moved on." Her friend leant across her desk and took her hand.

"Something that can still make you cry is not in the past." Her voice softened. "you still love him. And I know he still loves you." Kathryn felt the tears building up again.

"it's been months. He is making a life with Seven and Kolo. I need to let him go." She managed to say after a heavy silence.

"why."

"I cannot compete with that."


	6. Chapter 6

"I don't..." he shrugged and handed over the padd.

"But you were…"

"No I really don't, I mean it Tom." He shook his head and sat on the edge of his desk.

"What happened?" his friend asked crossing his arms.

"I had time to think about it. Sevens gone traveling so I haven't had Kolo and last night I actually thought about it. I can't expect anything. It was all my fault."

Tom studied his friend closely, the extra frown lines by his eyes, the patches or grey streaking his hair that he'd never noticed before, the sigh that escaped him every few words. They'd faced so much together, but he'd never seen this look before. Complete defeat.

/ / / / / / / /

She turned it over in her hands again and again, the light catching it every now and again making it shine. She ran a thumb over it slowly, feeling every bump and ridge on it like she had so many times before. It was all so familiar and she was holding it in her hands.

The tiny Voyager model was an exact replica of her beloved ship, right down to the number of windows. She could remember perfectly the moment shed first seen it.

_Walking into her ready room for the first time in two weeks she finally felt herself relax. Yes there was still hundreds of questions to answer, numerous information to transfer and blanks to fill in, and of course people to see. But nobody seemed to be giving them time to adjust to having their home and family taken from them for the second time in less than a decade. So she'd decided to skip going back to her cold empty temporary accommodation for now and visit home. She ran a finger lovingly over the replicator pausing for a second to consider seeing would it work. She turned to her desk when a glint caught the corner of her eye. She approached it cautiously, years of being on red alert still showing through, and there floating about two inches off her desk was the most beautiful little silver ornament she'd ever seen. She smiled and lifted it up admiring the exquisite work. She turned it over in her hands and found the window currently beside her. _

"_I thought you might want to always have her close." A voice from the door she'd left open said. "I mean I did consider getting it on a coffee mug but this seemed more eloquent." She didn't ever turn to look at him, she continued studying the figure. "More fitting for a future Admiral."_

"_They don't see her like we do, do. Do they?" she said grasping the ship tightly. _

"_Well they see Voyager like you did when you first stepped on board. Or like I did when I first…"_

"_Tried to out run her?" now she turned and smiled at him. _

"_Yes about then." He nodded still leaning on the doorframe. _

"_Funny how things can change." She moved towards her couch and sat down. They hadn't spoken much since they'd landed and she was almost afraid of silence._

"_I heard they're turning her into a museum." He said walking towards her. She laughed. _

"_Well if that doesn't make you feel old nothing will." He'd reached the couch and sat next to her. So close she could almost feel the heat off his leg. The thought made her look down at that same leg, his large hand was resting on it. His index finger scratching his trousers lightly, just like he always did when he was concentrating. _

"_How are you?" he asked as he brought her attention back up to his face. _

"_Exhausted." She admitted letting herself actually relax against the seat. _

"_I'm not surprised they're giving you twice as many debriefings than they are us."  
_

_"How are they treating you, B'Elanna and the others?"_

"_Let's just say that I'm very happy B'Elanna finally gave into Tom's charm! His father is our best friend." He shrugged. _

"_It's odd not to hear the usual sounds in here isn't it?" she said trying to avoid the upcoming question. _

"_Extremely. I met Harry today." _

"_Oh how was he?"_

"_Elated! He is definitely the happiest to be home."_

"_And how is Seven acclimatising." She said finally. He just stared at her for a second. _

"_I wouldn't know would I?" he said his face betraying nothing. _

"_What do you mean?"_

"_I haven't seen her in about a week." He shrugged, she could see something trying to come out on his face._

"_I thought you were… living together."_

"_We were." He nodded and her stomach tightened. "But she moved out last Sunday."_

"_Oh." _

"_Seven wanted to see this world on her own. With no ties. And she realised something that I hadn't quite." The scratching stopped and his leg moved a fraction towards her. _

"_Yes." Her stomach tightened again, but in a different way. _

"_She realised she definitely deserves better than a man who will always be in love with someone else." It was like the world had slowed down as his hand lifted and moved towards hers. _

"_Always."_

"_There's one things I know about warriors, they rarely give up." _

She wouldn't have changed a thing about what happened that night. They two of them on Voyager, it had just felt right. The months after that were intense and almost perfect. And now…

She gave the little silver figure one last caress and packed it away in a trunk.


End file.
